Writer Vixen Explains It All

Imaginary Bitches (A Review)

Originally published for "Zeitgeist: Quirkyalone Pop Culture" on Quirkyalone.net.

Choosing to remain single in a coupled world is sometimes a lonely gig, never more so than when all of your close friends are smugly cocooned in their couple-bubbles. It can make you feel like the last single person on Earth.

As once-single friends morph into couples, it often becomes irritatingly apparent that they no longer understand the challenges or perspectives of singledom. You sometimes feel like hitting them over the head, yet you still love them and yearn for common ground to maintain your friendships. This painful conflict is played out to hilarious effect in the engaging Web series Imaginary Bitches.

Eden is the last single girl in her circle of friends, refusing to compromise her standards simply to have a boyfriend. After an amazing date with a guy she really likes, Eden calls each of her friends to share her exciting news, but they’re only interested in talking about their relationships. Increasingly dispirited with each aborted call, Eden discovers, to her astonishment, that she has conjured an imaginary friend named Catherine—a friend who’s avidly interested in discussing all the details of Eden's date.

But Catherine proves to be less a “friend” than a total bitch, with lots of nasty things to say about Eden and all of her real girlfriends.That's right, Eden herself is not exempt from Catherine's bitchiness. Furthermore, Catherine is soon joined by a second imaginary bitch named Heather. The imaginary bitches quickly establish their presence in all of Eden’s relationships, leaving her to deal with the fallout even as they help her sort out her friendships and her love life.

Advice: Do I Love Too Much?

Dear Vixen:

How far would you go for someone that you love, whether that person be a sibling, a parent, a lover, or a close friend? Would you love someone so much that you give them as much love as you want to give even though you know that their love for you may not be as strong?

I think it's safe to say that most people feel that they would never love someone more than they can get back. I used to say that but I've recently realized that I'm not getting as much love back as I'm putting in with more than one of my relationships.

I love my father more than he loves me or is willing to admit but I still give him all that I can give.

My friends are important to me and I treat them as such, but I'm also sure that I am being taken for granted.

I've been in love with a wonderful man for the past year and a half. It's recently come to my attention that he's realized that he's still in love with his ex. He doesn't believe that he will get back together with her, but it hurts to know that I don't completely have his heart.

Reality TV Idea #1: "I Complete Me"

The following is excerpted from an essay originally published on Onely on 30 July 2009.

"Onely: Single and Happy" is a blog that offers fresh perspectives on living solo. It's produced by the dynamic writing duo known as "Lisa and Christina," both of whom hail from the East Coast. They are also the advice columnists for Quirkyalone.net, the newly redesigned online home of the quirkyalone community.

Christina and I have decided to pitch our own Reality TV show, called I Complete Me. We don’t have any illusions that anyone will actually take us up on the offer, but just for kicks, here’s what we propose:

I Complete Me
(alternate title: A Shot at Independence)

SUMMARY

Instead of forcing (supposedly inept) single people into the world of coupling, (overly dependent and unhealthily) coupled people are forced to navigate the world as singles for a full month. Both members of a pair are ranked and judged against other pairs according to how well they handle the single life.

CONTESTANTS

Pairs are nominated and chosen on the basis of how “unhealthy” their friends and family think the pair has become as a result of coupling. The best contestants are those who (separately or together) have lost track of the “selves” that friends and family used to know and love. Have they stopped paying attention to their single friends? Have they dropped their favorite hobbies? Is every weekday and weekend night spent, in some way, shape or form, with the significant other? Do couples take personal offense at invitations that do not automatically include the significant other?

Breaking Up Is (Not So) Hard To Do

I was commiserating with my friend Jackie over the recent breakup of her two-year relationship. "I thought breakups would get easier after my 30's," she lamented over triple-tall-non-fat mochas at Starbucks. "But instead, they seem to be getting harder."

I suggested that perhaps that’s because of the way her boyfriend ended things. After two weeks of not hearing from him, she came home from work one evening to find a Post-It note on her front door saying that he’d met someone else.

Some men just have a knack for taking your breath away.

Personally, I find that breakups actually get easier as I get older. First, you get more practice. Like anything else, the more you do it the more adept you become. And although it’s not something anyone wants to practice enough to become, say, Carnegie-Hall-level perfect, your skills definitely improve as time goes by.

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

Last week I realized that my friend Cheryl is in a lesbian relationship . . . with her boyfriend of four years.

This accidental discovery surfaced when their recently purchased dream house sprang a plumbing leak so massive that the water department turned off their supply to halt the flooding on their neighbor’s property. In the midst of the ensuing chaos, Cheryl’s boyfriend meticulously fussed over his wardrobe before decamping for the calmer climes of his office, leaving her to deal with the water department, the insurance company, various contractors, and the bank, not to mention a nasty, disgruntled neighbor.

This struck her as distinctly (how to put it nicely?) . . . unmasculine.

If You Can't Get a Life, At Least Get a Clue

Best of Writer Vixen: Originally posted May 2007

I had lunch at Café Rouge in Berkeley on Saturday afternoon (still the best cheeseburger in the entire Bay Area). As I sat at the bar flipping through Sue Ostler’s Relationships that Rock!—research for my latest literary idea about a series on successful singledom—a demanding, nicotine-edged voice intruded on my reveries.

“Relationships that Rock! . . . Is that a book about marriage?” The voice insisting on my attention emanated from the expensively dressed, perfectly manicured woman of a certain age seated to my right. She was washing down the last of her linguine primavera with the last of her second martini.

“Actually,” I replied, “It’s about being happily single.”

“Being single sucks!” she declared loudly.

Embarrassed for her, I looked away as I sipped my Diet Coke. Undeterred, she turned to the 30-something bartender with the trim beard who was trying to suppress a smile as he cleared away her plate. “I’ve been single since 1968 so I should know what I’m talking about!”