Best of Writer Vixen: Originally posted May 2009
A friend of mine sent me an email the other day telling me to Google “[your first name] needs” (including the quotes) and write down the first ten coherent results that came up.
I’m not a big fan of stuff like this. I need new ways to waste time on the Internet about as much as I need new ways to eat Oreos—I already know more than I should. On the other hand, I did have three minutes until I had to put on lipstick, find my shoes, and grab my keys before dashing out the door. Three minutes that may have changed my life forever.
I’m no stranger to esoteric problem-solving techniques. I was seriously into tarot cards for a few years. I’ve meditated with crystals. I’ve been known to ask a question and then find the answer by opening a magazine or newspaper and randomly pointing to a phrase. I once had an iPod mini that seemed to possess a psychic DJ so utterly attuned to my thoughts and emotions that it was like walking around with my own personal life soundtrack. And I still keep a Magic 8-Ball on my desk. You know, just in case.
But when I Googled “Deborah needs” I knew I’d found an
oracle with laser vision into my very soul. I sought the seer and here’s what I
learned:
Deborah needs some help with #9. Well, who doesn’t?
Deborah needs topix. Always. She also needs to learn to spell “topics.”
Deborah needs a pink bus. OMG, I totally do!
Deborah needs an audience. Embarrassingly, this is probably true.
Deborah needs confessions. Your secrets are safe with me. Ignore the whirring sound coming from my pocket.
Deborah needs people like you. I did recently lower my standards.
Deborah needs to create a strict budget. Or, you know, earn a lot more money.
Deborah needs your prayers and positive thoughts. Just in case.
Deborah needs your shipping address. But I can’t tell you why. You trust me, right?
Deborah needs a clone of herself. Finally. Someone who really gets me.
It had me at “pink bus.” Although some of these statements are truer than others, and some lean towards the metaphorical, it’s an actual fact that I’ve wanted a pink bus ever since I was a little girl. Like peanut butter and chocolate, a Barbie-meets-the-Partridge-Family mashup is destined to produce a gestalt greater than the sum of its parts: The Pink Bus.
It was a sign. I had to wonder: Why had it never before occurred to me to consult the Oracle of Google? After all, Google doesn’t exactly hide
its light under a bushel. Its stated corporate mission is “to organize the
world's information and make it universally accessible and useful.” It’s right there on their website. All
this time I’ve been using Google for pedestrian purposes like research and
driving directions, when I could have been using it to live a richer and more meaningful life!
Still skeptical, but looking for a reason to believe, I decided to put the question to the acid test: the legendary fortune-telling power of the Magic 8-Ball. I held my breath and plunged in:
Does Deborah really need Google? As I see it, yes.
Does Deborah really need a pink bus? Without a doubt.
Is Deborah getting a pink bus? Cannot predict now.
Can the Magic 8-Ball see things that Google cannot? My sources say no.
Does Google always trump the Magic 8-Ball? You may rely on it.
When even the Magic 8-Ball tells you to consult the Oracle
of Google, it must be time to go high-tech with your fortune-telling tools. But I’m not entirely giving up on the 8-Ball. Like Charlotte weaving messages in her
web, the 8-Ball’s wisdom is tried and true, just sometimes a bit too terse. Google is more like
the Oracle at Delphi, delivering messages rich in metaphor and innuendo, open
to interpretation. And like Delphi, the Oracle of Google probably gives clearer
advice when you agree to pay higher rates and give it your first-born.
So I asked the 8-Ball one more penetrating question: Doesn’t everyone need help with #9?
It promptly answered: Very doubtful.
Wow. Maybe it really is just me.
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Photo Credit: "Pink Bus" by vistavision via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.
Twittering vixenish things @WriterVixen
